FF7?
by Vampiric
Summary: Look! It's yet *another* parody of Final Fantasy Seven! What the hell...?
1. Watching Idiots Blow Things Up Is Fun

This is a parody of FF7, the original script being taken from www.rpgamer.com. Yes, I know I must die painfully for this. Just make my death something creative and showy, okay? I'd like to be remembered as the first person ever purposely launched into the Sun.

Midgar

(Camera turns slowly through a beautiful star field.)

Aeris: Shit! Down here! No! The other way! No! Down! Yes! No! This way!

(Camera turns to Aeris.)

Aeris: This way! Wait! Not yet! 

Aeris: Fuck! I mean um heehee.

(Aeris smiles prettily for the camera.)

(Green embers waft upwards around Aeris.)

(Aeris accidentally inhales a green ember.)

Aeris: Ack! Gack! Blech!

(Aeris has a coughing spasm.)

Aeris: Blech, ack, grrugh! 

(Aeris snorts out a green ember.)

Aeris: Okay. I'm okay now

Director: Come on! Hurry it up!

Aeris: Jeez! Fine! (Bastard)

(Aeris picks up her basket of flowers and leaves the alley, standing at a street corner.)

Aeris: Hi, I'm a flower girl, I sell flowers, want to buy a flower? It's only 1 gi-

(Suddenly a giant train zooms through the middle of the street.)

Aeris: What the fu-

(Camera flies upwards to show a giant picture of Midgar.) 

(The FF7 logo appears for a moment in the air before crashing down upon Sector 3 and smashing everyone living in it.)

(The camera then flies back down to a different part of the city, where a train is pulling into a station.)

Guard: I need a beer

Guard #2: Who needs beer when you've got weed?

(Jessie flips out of the train and knocks them both out.)

Jessie: Say no to drugs!!! This was a subliminal message brought to you by saynotodrugs.com, a website that you can access on your home computer and who is absolutely **not** paying us millions of dollars for this shameless promotion!

(Jessie runs up the stairs.)

(Barret and Cloud appear on top of the train.)

Barret: C'mon newcomer. Follow me.

(Barret jumps off of the train.)

(The earth around Midgar begins to rumble.)

(Mountains suddenly spring up around Midgar where there were only flat plains before as the teutonic plate upon which Midgar was resting suddenly becomes a bowl, centered around the Sector 8 train station, a big guy with a gun on his arm in the exact center.)

(Cloud falls off of the train, lands on his head, and crumples into a heap on the floor.)

Cloud: OW! Damn you! 

Barret: Oops.

Cloud: You haven't been drinking your Slim Fast, have you?!

Barret: Um

Cloud: YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, I'M GONNA-!

(Barret screams and runs forward up the stairs.)

Cloud: COME BACK HERE!!!

(Cloud runs forward, only to meet two guards that block his path.)

Guard: You!! Intruder!! Halt!!!

(Guards take out their machine guns.)

Cloud: FUCK YOU, I'VE GOT A BIG-ASS SWORD!

(Cloud waves his Buster Sword.)

Guards: AHHHHHHHH!!!

(Guards run away up the stairs.)

(Cloud follows after them, but not before robbing the unconscious bodies of the other guards.)

Cloud: Hee, hee, hee.

(Cloud meets up with Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie.)

Biggs: Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right! Not every day ya find one in a crappy, suicidal, minimum-wage group like AVALANCHE!

Jessie: SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's the hell's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?

Biggs: Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us, for some really strange reason that I don't even want to begin to understand.

Cloud: Please, continue to speak of me as if I weren't here.

Biggs: Hey, didn't catch your name

Cloud: Bob.

Biggs: Bob, eh? I'm

Wedge: Stupid?

Jessie: Canadian?

Wedge: A worthless extra?

Jessie: All of the above?

Cloud: I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over I'm outta here. See, my uncle's got this chocobo farm, and I want to grow cabbages there

(Barret comes running up to the group.)

Barret: The hell you all doin'?! I thought I told you never to move in a group!

Wedge: Well we'd already be split up if Jessie wasn't taking so long with the frikkin' door!

Jessie: Shut up! I'm TRYING here! You wouldn't be moving fast anyway, dumbass fat boy!

Wedge: Hey! That's not fair! Barret stole all my Slim Fast-

Barret: AHEM! May I have your attention please!! All Shin-Ra personnel!!! Our target's the North Mako Reactor! We'll meet on the bridge in front of it!

Cloud: Then why the hell are we _here_?!

Biggs: Barret often gets confused when he looks at maps.

Wedge: Yeah, the little symbols printed on them confuse me sometimes too.

Jessie: They're called words, you know. Those little symbols.

(Jessie opens the door and Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge go running out into the street.)

(Barret stops in front of the door and turns around to face Cloud.)

Barret: EX-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya! That's why I'm going to tell you right now that my name is Barret and I'm 35 years old!

Cloud: What?

Barret: If you push the Directional button while pushing the CANCEL button, you can run. (earlier marked X)

Cloud: What?  
Barret: And now, if you the back of your instruction booklet, there will be a walkthrough of the first mako reactor-

Cloud: Have you been mixing vodka with your Slim Fast again?

Barret: Um that is damnit!

(Barret runs down the street.)

(Cloud looks up at the reactor.)

Cloud: Oh, man I'm gonna die.

(Cloud follows after Barret.)

Outside Reactor #1

(Cloud, Jessie, Barret, Wedge, and Biggs run onto the bridge in front of the reactor.)

Wedge: I'll secure the escape passage!

Cloud: Yeah, I doubt that anyone could fit through there past you.

Wedge: Shut up! Just concentrate on the mission!

Cloud: I would if you'd stop frikkin' talking to me, dumbass whiny fat boy-

(Wedge purposely ignores Cloud.)

Wedge: Geez, we're really gonna blow this huge furnace up?

Cloud: No, we're just here to pick flowers.

(Wedge ignores Cloud again.)

Wedge: This'll be somethin' to see!

Cloud: You like making chains out of flowers and stuff like that, don't you? 

Wedge: My, the weather's nice-

Cloud: We're gonna need a LOT of flowers to circle around _you_

Wedge: 

(Wedge sniffles.)

Wedge: Oh, fuck it! You're a heartless bastard!

(Wedge sobs.)

Wedge: Stop making fun of me! I'm the cute, weird guy that all the girls are supposed to go "Awwwwwww" in pity for because I will probably never get a girlfriend! Plus I'm SENSITIVE!!!!

Wedge: WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Wedge cries brokenheartedly.)

Cloud: Psht, fine.

(Cloud and the others go into the Reactor.)

Inside Reactor #1

Barret: Yo! This your first time in a reactor?

Cloud: No. After all, I did work for Shin-Ra, y'know.

Barret: You bastard!!! When?!

Cloud: Uh, like, when I was in SOLDIER?

Barret: Oh yeah.

Barret: Um (Okay, now I gotta think of something really deep sounding to say to make myself look good after that)

Barret: The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day. 

Jessie: They charge like bastards for it too Bomb them all! Bomb them ALL! MWAHAHAHAHA! AOL IS GOING DOWN! 

Jessie: Um, oops, I mean-

Barret: It's the life blood of the planet. But Shin-Ra keeps suckin' the blood out with these machines!

Cloud: You're trying to be deep, aren't you?

Barret: No! Of course not! Why would I-

Cloud: Whatever. I'm not here for a lecture. You sound like my frikkin' history teacher. Let's just hurry and get to the part where I get to use my cool sword again!

Barret: That's it! You're comin' with me from now on.

(Barret disappears into Cloud.)

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): What the hell is in here?! What the Tifa por-

Cloud: Shut up!

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): Hee hee hee! Ooo

(Everyone heads deeper into the reactor.)

Jessie: Biggs and I got the code for this door.

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): Hurry up an' put it in then, bitch!

Jessie: Biggs!

Biggs: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They head through the door.)

Biggs: Think how many of our people risked their lives, just for this code

Cloud: It can't be hard, you've only got like five.

Jessie: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door and work deeper into the reactor. Biggs stays at the door. They enter an elevator.)

Jessie: Go push that button over there!

Cloud: Which button?

(Cloud goes over to the side.)

Jessie: THE button!

Cloud: This button?

Jessie: Well, what other buttons are there?

Cloud: Why the hell does this elevator only have one button?!

Jessie: So it can go down with us in it and we can never come back up and we'll be trapped in the reactor for the rest of our lives?

Cloud: Oh, okay.

(Cloud pushes the button. The elevator starts to descend.)

Barret: Little by little, the reactors'll drain out the life, and that'll be that.

(Everyone jumps.)

Cloud: Where the hell did you suddenly come from?!

Barret: Well-

Cloud: Actually, whatever, it's not my problem.

Barret: But the planet's dyin', Cloud!

Cloud: What does that have to do with anything?

Barret: Yo' not s'posed to be one o'those damn angsty, stoic, silent heroes wit' no heart or anythin', are you? 

Cloud: The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and the Roboguards come.

(Barret groans.)

Barret: Why do I always hafta work wit' them?! Why me?! WHY ME?!

(Barret shakes with anger, then walks back into Cloud.)

(The elevator stops and Jessie gets off. They continue into the reactor.)

Jessie: Push the [OK] button in front of a ladder to grab on to it. After that, use the [Directional button] to move up and down.

Cloud: Oh my god, not you too.

Jessie: Huh?

(Cloud groans.)

Cloud: Damned potheads

Jessie: WHAT?!

Cloud: Um nothing!

(Cloud runs down the ladder and to the reactor core.)

Barret: When we blow this place, this ain't gonna be nothin' more than a hunka junk.

(Cloud shrieks.)

Cloud: God dammit! Stop popping out like that!

Barret: Whatever. Cloud, you set the bomb.

Cloud: Shouldn't you do it?

Barret: There's only one freakin' switch on it!

Cloud: But but but

Barret: Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'!

Cloud: Oh fine be my frikkin' guest.

(Cloud moves to set the bomb. The screen dims and something speaks into Cloud's mind.)

****

Watch out!

This isn't just a reactor!

I see dead people

I am your father

Yes, they ARE all out to get you

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Barret: ?

Cloud: Nooooooooooo!!!

Barret: What's wrong?

Cloud: Huh?

Barret: What's wrong, dumbass? Hurry it up!

Cloud: Uh, yeah, sorry.

(Cloud sets the bomb. An alarm begins to sound and red lights flash.)

Cloud: Hey do you think we set the alarms off yet?

Barret: Heads up, here they come!

(Guard Scorpion comes trudging in.)

Barret: Heads up, here THEY come!

(Guard Scorpion sits there and cleans its antennae.)

Barret: 

Cloud: 

(Guard Scorpion chitters in a friendly manner.)

Cloud: Guess they only got one working, huh?

Barret: Whatever. Kill it.

(Guard Scorpion's tail goes up.)

Cloud: Barret! Don't attack when it's tail goes up! Or else-

(Barret shoots at Guard Scorpion.)

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Guard Scorpion begins to recite the entire script of FF9!!!)

Barret: O.o

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Guard Scorpion: Princess! I think I'm falling for you!

Cloud & Barret: DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Cloud and Barret hit Guard Scorpion with their Limit Breaks.)

Guard Scorpion: We must find her! Find her we must-

(Guard Scorpion explodes, showering Cloud and Barret with gasoline.)

Cloud: ARRRRGHHH!!! SPIDER GUTS!!! GETTEM OFF ME!!  
(Cloud runs around screaming.)

Barret: That wasn't a real spider, foo'!

Cloud: What?

Barret: That was a machine!!!

Cloud: Oh. How was I supposed to tell?!

Barret: It looked like one?

Cloud: The hell!!! These graphics suck! I mean come on, do _WE_ look like actual people?

Barret: Um not really

Cloud: Whatever. Come on, let's get outta here!

****

Ten minutes to getting your ass fried in this huge-ass explosion that will destroy this reactor! Or, in other words, get the hell outta here, now, or else you're gonna die! And I bet you didn't save, either! 

RUN, YOU IDIOT!

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(They rush back out through the reactor until they meet up with Jessie where she had stayed behind. She has one leg caught in the grate she's standing on.)

Jessie: Damn too fat argh! Cloud! Help!

Barret: Jessie-

Cloud: Forget her! Let's get outta here!

Jessie: YOU BASTARD!!!

(Cloud begins to climb the ladder.)

Jessie: YOU CAN'T GET OUTTA HERE WITHOUT MY CODES!!!

Cloud: Why didn't you SAY so then?! 

(Cloud runs back to Jessie.)

Cloud: The hell is wrong with you now?

Jessie: My leg got stuck.

(Cloud pulls her out.)

Jessie: Thanks!

Cloud: Fat bitch.

(They continue out of the reactor, where they meet Biggs.)

Biggs: Let's go!

Jessie: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door.)

Jessie: Alright, be careful.

Biggs: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door and exit the reactor. On the way out, Cloud trips Jessie and she falls on her face.)

Jessie: OW! DAMN YOU! I SWEAR I'LL HAUNT YOU FOR THIS AFTER I DIE!

(Cloud shrieks.)

Cloud: NO! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!!

(Cloud helps her up and they sprint away.)

(Camera cuts to Aeris.)

Aeris: Huh?

(Aeris looks up.)

Aeris: You again?! What the fu-

****

*BOOM!*

Aeris: I'm I'm okay

Everyone: Dammit!

-end Scene One- 

A/N: Flame me! Flame me! Or at least leave a review? : ) 


	2. The Somewhat Not Really Daring Escape

Scene 2

-Escape From Mako Reactor 7-

Weird Metal Tunnel Thingy

(Cloud, Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are in a dark tunnel littered with debris and broken metal.)

Biggs: That should keep the planet going at least a little longer.

Wedge: Yeah. Too bad like a million people died in that explosion.

Biggs: Yeah. Lookit SOLDIER boy over there, he looks pretty guilty about it.

(Cloud ponders for a moment, furrowing his brow and looking worried.)

Cloud: You know, sometimes, I wonder how we get into rooms with no doors

(Cloud blinks.)

Cloud: Huh? Guilty?

(Jessie plants an explosive against the pile of debris blocking their exit.)

Jessie: OK! Now everyone get back, and Cloud, go up there and sit on that for a while!

Cloud: 'Kay, one sec-

Fenced-in Area

(The wall explodes, opening a way to a courtyard. Biggs, Jessie, Barret, and Cloud flip out of the doorway and form a nice cheerleading pyramid before spreading out into the fenced in area.)

(Wedge runs out screaming and slapping at himself.)

Wedge: MY ASS IS ON FIRE!!! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!!!

(Everyone points and laughs.)

Wedge: WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Wedge begins to cry again and puts out the flames with streams of tears.)

Barret: Um All right, now let's get the hell outta here.

Cloud: Hey, wanna announce to the world where we're gonna secretly meet?

Barret: Rendezvous at Sector 8 station! Split up and get on the train!

Jessie: **SECTOR 8**? OKAY!

Biggs: ON THE **TRAIN**, RIGHT?

Wedge: You mean the **SECTOR 8 TRAIN STATION?**

Jessie: **WE'LL DEFINITELY BE THERE!**

(They all exit except Barret and Cloud.)

(Barret starts to leave.)

Cloud: Hey! Pay me!

Barret: The hell you talkin' 'bout, foo'?

Cloud: My money!!!

Barret: What money?

Cloud: THE money?

Barret: WHAT money?!

Cloud: MY money!!! I'm a frikkin' mercenary, I'm supposed to get PAID for this!

Barret: I've got no money!!! If I had any, I'd buy a freakin' SHIRT!

(Barret starts to leave.)

Cloud: H, hey!

Barret: If it's about your money, save it 'til we're back at the hideout.

Cloud: Just steal some or something!!!

Barret: Stealing is WRONG!!!

Cloud: YOU'RE the frikkin' terrorist leader!

Barret: What?! Am not!!!

Cloud: Are too!

Barret: Am not!!!

Cloud: Are too!

Barret: Am not am not am not!!!

(Cloud glares threateningly.)

Cloud: I'VE STILL GOT THAT BIG-ASS SWORD!!!

Barret: 

Barret: You ever consider going to anger management counseling?

Cloud: WHAT?!

(Cloud waves his Buster Sword at Barret.)

(Barret runs away screaming.)

(Cloud runs after him into the streets of Midgar.)

-Scene 3-

-Flower Girl - A Daring Leap-

Midgar Streets

Aeris: Dammit, that messed up my hair. Bastards!

(Aeris brushes herself off.)

(Cloud comes running in.)

Aeris: HEY! YOU! THE ONE WITH THE STUPID HAIRCUT!

(Cloud turns around.)

Aeris: Holy fucking SHIT!!!

(Aeris stares at Cloud with a bit of drool hanging out of her mouth.)

Cloud: Who the hell just called my hair STUPID?!

(Cloud brandishes his Buster Sword.)

Cloud: COME OUT HERE AND DIE!!!

(Cloud glances at Aeris.)

Cloud: Did you see the bastard that said that?

Aeris: (Oh shit! I better start acting cute or something!)

Aeris: Um noooooo tee hee!

Cloud: Dammit!

Aeris: UhTee hee, yeah, that's right, um, tee hee!

Cloud: Huh?

Aeris: Excuse me What happened?

Cloud: To my hair?!

Aeris: No! Of course not! I'd never ask something like that about how much it looks like you got hit by lightning while licking an electrical socket, I mean um, I meant the reactor and the big explosion thingie.

Cloud: Oh that was nothing hey, listen

(Aeris listens.)

Cloud: Uh uh well

(Aeris moves a bit closer to Cloud.)

Cloud: AHHHHHHHH! 

(Aeris glares at Cloud.)

Cloud: Um, I mean-

(Aeris glares at Cloud again, more ferociously this time.)

Cloud: I meant, Ahhh! Flowers! I um, love them! Don't see many flowers around here!

Aeris: Oh, these? Do you like them? They're only a gil?

(Aeris stares at Cloud.)

Cloud: Uh sure! Whatever! Here!

(Cloud buys a flower.)

Aeris: Oh, thank you! Here you are! I can go buy, like, half the stuff at McDonalds now! Thank you so much!

Cloud: You're weird

Aeris: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

(Aeris's eyes suddenly start flaming.)

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
(Cloud runs down the street.)

Aeris: COME BACK HERE!!!  
(Aeris runs after him.)

Midgar, Circular Area

(Cloud runs in.)

Cloud: Thank god, I think I lost her

(Cloud pants.)

Random Person #1: Just what the hell's going on?!

Cloud: WHEN THE HELL DID I ASK YOU TO TALK TO ME?!

Random Person #1: Freak!!!

(Random Person #1 runs away.)

Cloud: Idiot. Hey wonder what that is on the wall over there Let's see

(Cloud looks up at the poster on the wall.)

****

Don't be fooled by Bill Gates Shinra! Windows will not last forever! Money is the planet's lifesource, and he is draining it out of the Earth! The end is in sight!

The Protectors of the Planet: MACINTOSH

Cloud: What the hell?

Poster: WINDOWS USER DETECTED!!!!! DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Cloud runs off down the street.)

Another street in Midgar

(Cloud runs in.)

(A soldier patrolling the area spots him.)

Soldier: Hey! You there!

Cloud: Shinra soldiers

Soldier: NO REALLY! DO ANY OTHER COMPANY'S SOLDIERS WEAR THESE STUPID PURPLE UNIFORMS?! NOOOOOOOOOOO-

Cloud: Someone's bitter.

Soldier: DIE!!!

(Cloud beats the soldier down.)

Soldier: No must call backup

(Fifty million Shinra soldiers run into the room.)

Soldier: Hah! That's as far as you go!

Soldier #2: Hey, Joe, where'd you find her? She's pretty!

Cloud: WHAT?!

Soldier #3: You're right ooo lookit those nice blue eyes

Soldier #4: Peachy creamy skin

Cloud: I don't have time to be messin' around with you guys

Soldier #5: ENOUGH BABBLING! GRAB HER!!!

(The soldiers close in. Cloud backs away, but his path is blocked as he reaches a railing. Cloud jumps off the balcony onto the train as it rushes by.)

Cloud: OHHHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDD-

(The train zooms down the tunnel.)

Soldier #2: 

Soldier #3: 

Soldier #4:

Soldier #5: Dammit!!! They always get away!

Soldier #3: Whatever. 

Soldier #2: I've got a couple gil, let's go find that flower girl

Soldier #4: Yeah, okay.

(All the Shinra soldiers skip off happily.)

-end Scene 2 & 3-


	3. They Really Are Pitiful, Aren't They

Scene 4

-The Long Ride Home-

Inside the Train

(Barret, Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are riding in a train car littered with crates and junk.)

Biggs: Why do we always have to ride in this crappy car?

Jessie: 'Cause we can't afford anything else?

Biggs: Heh, yeah, you're right.

Wedge: Cloud never came.

Biggs: Cloud? Wonder if he was killed?

Wedge: I think he'd be tough enough to get away from them

Barret: No way! 

Jessie: Cloud you stupid bastard.

(There is thumping on the roof of the car. Barret glances up.)

Barret: DAMMIT! THIS STUPID CHEAP CAR HAS RATS IN IT TOO!!

Biggs: Say, do you think Cloud's Going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE?

Barret: The hell would I know? Do I look like a mindreader?!

Jessie: Well, if you bought a turban and a pet snake-

(Barret hits a crate with his fist.)

Barret: Hmph!! If y'all weren't such screw-ups

Biggs: You'd pay us more?

Jessie: We'd have destroyed Shinra already?

Biggs: We wouldn't be eating Burger King every day?

Jessie: We'd be able to afford homes???

Barret: Why did I ever even ask

Wedge: Hey Barret! What about our money?

Barret: SHUT UP 'BOUT THE GODDAM MONEY!!! ARRRRRRGHH!!!!!

(Barret shrieks!)

(Everyone glances at Barret nervously.)

Wedge: Uhhhh nothin' sorry. Ahhh

(There is another thumping on the roof of the car.)

Jessie: Damned rats

(The train door opens and Cloud flips into the car from above.)

Everyone: **AHHHHHHHHHH**HHHHHHHHhhhhhhh oh, shit. It's just him.

(Cloud suddenly blinks and straightens up, accompanied by a strange noise.)

Cloud: Oops.

Biggs: Cloud!!

Wedge: Cloud!!!

Jessie: Cloud

(Everyone turns blue and begins to gasp for air.)

(Jessie claws at the window.)

Barret: YOU BASTARD! WARN US BEFORE YOU FREAKIN' LAY ONE!

(Jessie pulls the window open. Fresh air begins to pour into the room. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)

Cloud: Heh looks like I'm a little late.

Barret: You damn right, you're late!! Come waltzin' in here makin' a big scene!

Cloud: It's no big deal. Just what I always do.

Biggs: WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO?!

Barret: Shi't! Havin' everyone worried like that you don't give a damn 'bout no one but yourself!

Cloud: Hmm you were worried about me!

Barret: Wha?!

Jessie: HELL _NO_!

Wedge: We nearly _DIED_!

Barret: I'm takin' it outta your money, hot stuff!

Cloud: About that MONEY-

Barret: We're movin' out! Follow me!

(Barret exits the front of the car.)

(Everyone crowds around Cloud and hands him a couple of gil.)

Wedge: Hey, Cloud! You were great back there!

(Wedge exits.)

Biggs: Heh heh Cloud! We'll do even better next time!

(Biggs exits.)

Jessie: Be careful, I'll shut this.

(Jessie closes the door and the window.)

Jessie: Oh, Cloud! Your face is pitch-black here, let me help you!

(Jessie spits in Cloud's face.)

Jessie: There you go! Say, thanks for _helping me TRIP_ back there at the Reactor! 

Jessie: STUPID ASSHOLE!

(Jessie exits.)

Cloud: HEY!!!

(Cloud follows.)

2nd Car

(The train intercom comes on.)

****

Last train out of Sector 8 Station. Last stop is Sector 7, Train Graveyard NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER?! THAT'S DISGUSTING! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!!! Ahem. Expected time of arrival is 12:23 AM, Midgar standard time...

(Barret and the others come into the next car and sit down. They disturb a well-dressed, official looking man.)

Man: This is why I hate the last train. Hoo-boy...

(He leaves.)

Random person on the train #1: Huh? This is my house, so make yourselves at home.

Cloud: Who asked you?

Random person on the train #2: You see the headlines in the Shinra Times?

Cloud: Don't talk to me!

Random person on the train #3: The terrorists that bombed the No. 1 Reactor are based somewhere in the slums.

Cloud: I said, don't talk to me!!!

Random person on the train #2: ...blowing up a Reactor... they sure put some thought into this one.

Cloud: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Random person on the train #3: They must have a real calculating leader. I wonder what they'll do next?

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Barret: Stop actin' like a damn kid. Si'down an' sh'up!

Cloud: I don't have to!! SO NEENER!  
(Cloud skips to the front of the car towards Jessie, Wedge, and Biggs.)

Wedge: Someday AVALANCHE'S gonna be famous and me, too!

Biggs: In your dreams, fat boy! 

Wedge: SHUT UP ABOUT THE FAT!!

Biggs: Okay, okay, don't get your fat rolls in a knot.

Wedge: Okay 

Wedge: HEY!

(Jessie snickers.)  
Biggs: It seems this train hasn't switched to security mode yet, considering they haven't picked up your puny, whiny cries for attention. I'm sure that will change by tomorrow.

Jessie: Hey, Cloud. You want to look at this with me? I feel like making myself seem smart by talking about random technology with a person who has no idea how to turn on a microwave.

Cloud: Sure!

(They look at the map.)

Jessie: Okay, it's about to start

Jessie: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

(Cloud falls asleep.)

Jessie: Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah

(Cloud snores slightly.)

Jessie: Blah blah blah- YOU BASTARD!  
(Jessie kicks Cloud in the shin.)

Jessie: LISTEN TO ME!

Cloud: OW!!! DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!

(Red lights begin to flash.)

(Cloud screams in terror.)

Cloud: AHHHHHHH!!! IT'S THE VOICES IN MY HEAD AGAIN!!!

Jessie: No, that's the ID scan checkpoint, you idiot.

Cloud: Oh.

Barret: Look... you can see the surface now. This city don't have no day or night. If that plate weren't there... we could see the sky.

Cloud: How? The announcer guy just said it's like 12 midnight.

Barret: SHUT UP! JES' FREAKIN' LOOK!

(Cloud looks out the window.)

Cloud: A floating city... Pretty unsettling scenery.

Barret: Huh? Never expect to hear that outta someone like you. You jes' full of surprises. Thought you'd be screamin' yer ass off and runnin' around like a chocobo with it's ass-feathers on fire. Uh, anyway

Barret: The upper world... a city on a plate... It's 'cuz of that &^#$# 'pizza', that people underneath are sufferin'! And the city below is full of polluted air. On topa that, the Reactor keeps drainin' up all the energy.

Cloud: Then why doesn't everyone move up onto the Plate?

Barret: Derf!!! Probably cuz they don't got no MONEY, IDIOT! Or maybe 'Cuz they love their land, no matter how polluted it gets

Cloud: That's stupid. What a bunch of bullshit.

Barret: YOU'RE STUPID, YOU @#@%@ $@% @^ @ ^@%! I OUGHTTA KILL YOU!!!

(Barret attempts to attack Cloud, but for some reason his gun malfunctions.)

Barret: DAMN IT!!! GODDAM FREAKIN' RUSTED PIECE OF SHIT-

(Cloud ignores Barret.)

Cloud: Ooo, we're turning Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

(The train circles the support structure on its way to Sector 7. The train arrives at the station and everyone gets off.)

(A skinny girl jumps out into her boyfriend's arms.)

(A fat man jumps out into his wife's arms.)

(Barret jumps out on all four of them and squashes them flat.)

Barret: Yo!! Get over here now, all' ya!

(Everyone else jumps out of the train and gathers around Barret.)

Cloud: Ooo, is it time for the secret meeting out here in the middle of the crowded station?  
Jessie: Ssh!

Barret: Okay, this mission was a success. But don't get lazy now. The hard part's still to come! 

Cloud: How come you only speak in simple sentences?

Barret: Don't y'all be scared of that explosion! Cause the next one's gonna be bigger than that!

Jessie: Because we're now using explosives from www.explosivesrus.com, the biggest name in blowing things up since 1992! Bigger, better, more destructive booms! All for only $19.99!

Wedge: This was also not a shameless sponsored promotion.

Biggs: Now that _that's_ over with

Barret: Meet back at the hideout!! Move out!

(All exit.)

Scene Five

-The Reactor Tower-

This scene has been cut from this parody because it contains nothing useful or interesting, consisting of a bunch of talks with soldiers and some idiot guy that keeps babbling on and on about random stuff. Plus, it's BORING and SHORT as hell, and reading this summary of it has probably already taken you longer than the scene would have, since most of you have just run through this scene without bothering to talk to the random people that serve no purpose.

In short: THIS SCENE SUCKS AND IS NOT WORTHY OF BEING IN THIS PARODY.

Have a nice day.

A/N: Keep R&R'ing, please! : )


	4. A Dash Of Romance, And, Uh, Violence

A/N: Remember, what characters say in this fic does NOT represent the author's opinions. And, to answer the question that I think Tori asked, I -am- an FF7 fan. Who else would take the time to do something like this? ;) 

Scene 6

-Welcome Home, Cloud! - A Childhood Promise - 

(Barret runs into Tifa's bar, the Seventh Heaven, and chases all the patrons out.)

Patron #1: You bastard!!! Why the hell do you keep chasing all of us outta here?!

(All the patrons stare up into the sky.)

Patron #2: He's an ass!

Patron #3: He's a dickhead!

Patron #4: No, he's a terrorist leader!

Patron #1: 

Patron #2: 

Patron #3: 

Patron #4: Nah, that can't be it.

(The customers wander off.)

(Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie go inside.)

Barret: Ok. Yo! Cloud! Get the hell inside!

(Cloud wanders around for no particular reason except to hear Barret yell at him again.)

Barret: Yo! Cloud!! Get off your slow-movin' ass!

(Cloud enters the Seventh Heaven.)

  
Seventh Heaven. No, not the TV show. That would just be scary.

(Marlene jumps up and runs to Cloud.)

Marlene: Papa! Papa!

(Marlene freezes and stares at Cloud.)

Marlene: AHHHH!! WHITE DEVIL!!! WHITE DEVIL!!!  
(Marlene runs behind the bar, trembling.)

Tifa: Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to Cloud?

Marlene: **WHITE DEVIL!!! KILL WHITEY!!!**

(Marlene begins to spasm uncontrollably.)

Tifa: Besides that?

Marlene: Um No.

Tifa: Oh, fine Damn Barret and his goddam bedtime stories

(Tifa walks over to Cloud.)

Tifa: Welcome home, Cloud. Looks like everything went well. That's good, cause if ANYTHING happened to you, I'd like go off and dissolve into tears and become all depressed and angsty and thoroughly dislikable and end up killing myself cause I can't live without you or something, and that'd like be bad for my "tough girl" image, you know what I mean?

Cloud: Um No.

Tifa: Whatever. Did you fight with Barret?

Cloud: Sorta.

Tifa: What does that mean?! Did you or didn't you? Make up your mind!

Cloud: Sorta

Tifa: Just say YES or NO!

Cloud: But we only _sorta_-

Tifa: JUST DO IT!!!

(Tifa glares at Cloud.)

Cloud: Okay! Okay! We did! Yeah!

(Tifa immediately looks tired.)

Tifa: I should have known. He's always pushing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little. I was worried, so I went to my Cloud Strife shrine and burned some incense and recited one of those prayers I wrote for you. 

Cloud: Er

(Tifa stares at the flowers in Cloud's hand.)

Tifa: Flowers? How nice! You almost never see them here in the slums. But a flower for me? Cloud, you shouldn't have

Tifa: (HINT, HINT!!!)

Cloud: No big.

(Cloud goes over and offers the flower to Marlene.)

(Tifa smacks herself in the forehead.)

Cloud: Here, little girl-

Marlene: **AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOING TO TAKE ME AWAY AND MAKE ME PICK COTTON AND STUFF!!!**

(Marlene screams and runs behind Tifa.)

Cloud: Ummmmmm okay, I guess you can have this then.

(Cloud gives the flower to Tifa.)

(Tifa beams.)

Tifa: Thank you, Cloud. It smells wonderful. Maybe I should fill the store with flowers.

Cloud: A bar full of flowers? Um

Tifa: Hey! Shut up about my perverse fantas- um, innocent daydreams!

(Cloud walks over to chat with the rest of the Avalanche members for no particular reason.)

Wedge: Oh, Cloud! Tifa realls knows how to cook. Mmm, mmm Anyway, let me tell you somethin'.

Cloud: You're gonna start talking anyway even if I say no, right-

Wedge: Tifa always lets me taste her cooking. And look at me now, I'm rolly-polly. 

Biggs: "Rolly-polly"?

(Wedge ignores Biggs.)

Wedge: Don't know whether I should be happy or sad. But it's the good food and drinks that make this shop famous.

Biggs: The food and drinks?! Do the words big, boobs, short, and skirt mean anything to you?

Wedge: Huh?

Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?

Jessie: Careless 

Jessie: You're getting all excited. Wonder what for.....?

(Everyone glances at Tifa's chest.)

Cloud: 

Wedge: 

Biggs: 

Tifa: What???

(Jessie rolls her eyes.)

Jessie: Forget it.

Biggs: Aah!! Nothin' like that first drink after a job. Hic!! Why don't you have one too?

Cloud: Yeah, why not I might not feel so bad about hanging out with losers like you after I'm drunk.

Biggs: Oh!! That's more like it! Even if you were with SOLDIER, you're still a rookie here. So you'd better listen to whatever I tell ya!

Jessie: God, Biggs, don't start with those pornographic videos again  
Biggs: Hic...!! Why not?! They make a fortune!!!

Biggs: Oh..... Don't tell Barret what I jus said. He'll kick my ass.

Wedge: Really?! Go tell! GO TELL!!!

Biggs: YOU SHUT UP!!!

Wedge: TELL HIM! TELL HIM!!! I'LL PAY YOU!

Cloud: Hee hee. Okay!

(Cloud attempts to leave.)

(Barret crashes into the bar.)

(Cloud jumps back quickly, impaling himself in the ass with a corner of the table.)

Cloud: @#@%@#$%@$%@!!!

(Marlene comes running to Barret.)

Marlene: Papa! You're home!

(Barret lifts her up on his shoulder.)

Barret: So what's my Marlene been doin' the whole day?

Marlene: Look, papa! White devil!

(Marlene points to Cloud.)

Barret: My little girl remembered her story!

(Barret beams at Marlene.)

(Marlene beams at Barret.)

Marlene: White trash! White trash!

Barret: That's my girl!!!

(Barret pats Marlene on the head gently.)

(Marlene beams.)

Tifa: You all right, Barret?

Barret: Great!! Get in here, fools!! We're startin' the meetin'!!

(He descends a hidden elevator in a pinball machine. Everyone follows but Cloud and Tifa.)

(Strange, romantic music begins to play in the background.)

(Cloud clutches his head and begins to scream.)

Cloud: AHHHHHH!! TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFFFF!

(Tifa kicks something behind the bar. Romantic music abruptly cuts off.)

Tifa: Um Sorry. Hey, sit down.

Cloud: Okay.

(Cloud sits on the floor.)

Tifa: I meant oh, whatever, nevermind. 

Cloud: Okay!

(Cloud gets up and heads towards the pinball machine.)

Tifa: Wait! I didn't mean leave! I don't feel good about myself unless you're in the room with me! Except when you're here I start getting all depressed again, but it's better than you not being here because then I worry-

(Cloud begins to inch towards the pinball machine.)

Tifa: And- No! Don't leave me!!! How about um, um, um something to drink?

Cloud: Well um, sounds good, I guess. Give me something har-

(Tifa stares at Cloud with wide, obsessive eyes and leans forward over the bar, looking up at him seductively.)

Cloud: Uhhhh that is, something with lots of alcohol.

Tifa: Damnit! I mean, just a minute. I'll make one for you.

(She mixes Cloud a drink, adding some strange herbs and other sorts of plantlife to it before sliding it down the bar to him.)

Cloud: Is this safe?

Tifa: Do you _really_ think that I would drug you and drag you off to some desert island somewhere to be alone with you forever?

Cloud: Er

Tifa: Anyway, you know, I'm really glad you made it back safely.

Cloud: I think you said that already 

Cloud: What's with you all of a sudden? It wasn't even a tough job.

Tifa: I guess not you were in SOLDIER.

Cloud: Yeah.

Tifa: And you've got a big sword

Cloud: I know.

Tifa: And a perfect body

Cloud Okay, okay-

Tifa: And the inhuman ability to get shot multiple times in the head with a machine gun and not be killed

Cloud: Okay, we get the point!!!  
Tifa: Er, sorry. Make sure you get your pay from Barret.

Cloud: Don't worry, once I get that money, I'm outta here with a pack of cabbages.

Tifa: Cabbages? What the hell?  
Cloud: Yeah, for the farm I'm gonna get from my uncle.

Tifa: Ummm Cloud, are you feeling alright?  
Cloud: Yeah why?

(Tifa glances.)

Tifa: Er no reason You just look tired, I guess You better get down below. (Before you start scaring me further)

(Cloud walks to the pinball machine. Nothing happens.)

Cloud: 

Pinball machine: 

Cloud: Go!!!

Pinball machine: 

Cloud: What's wrong with this thing?

(Words flash across the pinball machine's screen.)

Pinball machine: I LIKE ROMANCE.

Cloud: What the hell?!

Pinball machine: YOU LOOK CUTE WITH TIFA.

(Cloud stares at the pinball machine.)

Pinball machine: YOU SHOULD GO BACK THERE AND TALK TO HER MORE.

Cloud: Let me down!

Pinball machine: I REFUSE. 

Cloud: Let me down!

Pinball machine: I LOVE SAPPY LOVE SCENES. GO TALK TO TIFA.

Cloud: Let me down before I hack you to pieces and make Tifa eat them!!!

(Tifa suddenly stops typing into her laptop and hurriedly presses a button on a small remote control. The pinball machine begins to move down to the basement.)

Cloud: Hee hee.

Tifa: Dammit.

Basement of the Seventh Heaven

(Everyone is busy downstairs. Barret is punching a bag.)

Wedge: Hey Cloud. You think I'm a little too uptight?

Cloud: Noooooooo.

Wedge: The next mission will be to blow up the Sector 5 Reactor. Cloud, you're great! Don't you ever get nervous? Or are you like, impervious to feelings?

(On the TV screen, an old blind lady trying to cross a street gets run over by an 18 ton truck.)

Cloud: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wedge: Naw, that can't be it.

(A small toaster next to Wedge suddenly explodes.)

Wedge: @#$%!!!

Jessie: Oops... 

Jessie: Um Hey, look at the news... What a blast. Think it was all because of my bomb? But all I really did was just make it like the computer told me

(Jessie checks her computer.)

Jessie: Oh no! I must've made a miscalculation somewhere

****

*BOOM!*

Faint voice: OH MY GOD!!! THE MATERIA STORE JUST-

Jessie: Oops hee, hee, hee.

Barret: Yo. Cloud! There's somethin' I wanna ask ya. Was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?

Cloud: None. I'm positive.

Barret: You sound pretty sure.

Cloud: Well, are you toasted, sliced, frozen, electrified, beaten, or otherwise mangled beyond recognition?

Barret: Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes cuz you was in SOLDIER!

Cloud: 

(On the TV screen, another old blind lady falls off a cliff.)

Cloud: Hehehehe!

Barret: Yeah, you're strong. Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are. You still giggle like a girl, though.

Cloud: WHAT?!

Barret: Don't forget your skinny ass's working for AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' on to Shinra!

Cloud: Stayin' with Shinra? You asked me a question and I answered it... that's all. I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money.

Barret: Shucks money damn white boys

Marlene: Papa, you're so great! 

(Cloud moves to leave. Tifa runs in.)

Tifa: Wait, Cloud!

Cloud: Oh my god, how did you know I was going to leave at this precise moment?

Tifa: Um I'm psychic?

Barret: Tifa, let him go! It seems like he still misses the Shin-Ra!

Tifa: No! I'll never let go!! Promise me you'll survive!  
(Tifa sobs hysterically.)

Cloud: Shut up! I don't care about either Shinra or SOLDIER! But don't get me wrong! I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet or Macintosh or Bill Gates or cute puppies or Leonardo DiCaprio for that matter!

Barret: Huh?

Tifa: I don't get it.

Cloud: Whatever!

(Cloud goes back up the elevator and goes to leave.)

Seventh Heaven

(Cloud walks towards the door and suddenly freezes.)

(Tifa enters the room from below.)

Tifa: Listen, Cloud. I'm asking you. Please join us.

Cloud: Sorry, Tifa

Tifa: Huh? For what?

Cloud: I don't know, why the hell are you bitching at me?

Tifa: The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something!

Cloud: Let Barret and his butt-buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me.

(He moves to leave.)

Tifa: So! You're really leaving?! You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend?!

Cloud: What?

Tifa: ME, YOU IDIOT!

Cloud: Oh. Sorry.

Tifa: You forgot the promise, too!

Cloud: Promise? Huh? What the hell?

(Tifa looks down.)

Cloud: Can you really like see the floor past those-

Tifa: So you DID forget Remember Cloud. It was seven years ago

(Cloud looks up. The scene fades to black. It fades in again; Cloud and Tifa are standing by a well. The sky is full of stars.) 

Cloud: WHAT THE HELL?!

Tifa: (This is a flashback moment!)

Cloud: Oh.

Tifa: Look, the well. Do you remember?

Cloud: Remember what?

(Tifa smacks Cloud upside the head.)

Cloud: Um uh yeah, right, back then. Yeah. Uh it was cold?

(The scene changes. Cloud and Tifa, as children, appear.)

(Cloud bursts out laughing.)

Cloud: Hehehe! I remember that ugly dress-

(Tifa glares at Cloud.)

(Kiddie Cloud is sitting swinging his legs on the well cover. Kiddie Tifa enters from offscreen.)

Kiddie Tifa: Sorry I'm late.

(She sits down.)

Kiddie Tifa: You said you wanted to talk to me about something?

Kiddie Cloud: Come this spring.... I'm leaving this dumb hick town for Midgar.

Kiddie Tifa: No! All the boys are leaving our town! 

(Kiddie Tifa wails.)

Kiddie Tifa: Who am I gonna squish frogs with now at the stream?!

Kiddie Cloud: But I'm different from all of them. I've mysteriously known that somehow from the moment I was born because I'm special and they're not! I'm not just going to find a job.

(He stands.)

Kiddie Cloud: I want to join SOLDIER! I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth.

Kiddie Tifa: Sephiroth.... The Great Sephiroth! He's so hot!!!

(Kiddie Tifa squeals.)

(Cloud climbs to the top of the well and looks at the stars.)

Kiddie Tifa: Er Isn't it hard to join SOLDIER?

Kiddie Cloud: ...I probably won't be able to come back to this town for a while.

(Kiddie Tifa makes a motion.)

Cloud: O.o

(Cloud gags.)

Tifa: Hey, I was a little kid! I didn't know what that meant!

Cloud: Sure you didn't

Kiddie Cloud: huh?

Kiddie Tifa: Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?

Kiddie Cloud: I'll try.

Kiddie Tifa: Hey, why don't we make a promise? Umm, if you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind... You come save me, and then we'll go out to a bar, get completely drunk, then have insane perverse sex for a couple of hours, all right?

Kiddie Cloud: What?  
Kiddie Tifa: Whenever I'm in trouble, my hero will come and rescue me. I want to at least experience that once.

Kiddie Cloud: What?!

Kiddie Tifa: Come on--! Promise me----!

Kiddie Cloud: Um all right. I promise.

(The camera pans up to show the starry night sky. A falling star streaks its white trail across the dark blue, heading towards Cosmo Canyon.)

Somewhere in Cosmo Canyon

Bugenhagen: What the OH MY GOD-

****

*BOOM!!*

Seventh Heaven

(The scene fades black and the bar appears again.)

Tifa: You remember now? ...Our promise?

Cloud: I can't keep the promise.

Tifa: Why not? There's a bar right here and-

Cloud: Um No! I'm not a hero and I'm not famous! So there!  
Tifa: But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER. So come on! You've got to keep your promise

(Tifa edges towards Cloud.)

Cloud: Ahhhhhhh!!!

(Barret climbs up the elevator.)

Tifa: Ack!

(Tifa takes a few steps back.)

Cloud: Barret! THANK GOD!

Barret: Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER! A promise is a promise!

Cloud: _WHAT?!_

(Barret looks at Cloud weird.)

Barret: I was talking about the money.

Cloud: Oh.

Barret: Here! 

(He tosses Cloud 1500 Gil.) 

Cloud: This is my pay? Don't make me laugh.

Tifa: What? Then you'll...!

Cloud: You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000.

Barret: What....!

(Tifa whispers to him.)

Tifa: It's ok, it's ok. Psst, psst..... (We're really weak, pathetic, useless, and hurting for help, right?)

Barret: Not really-

Tifa: (But we do need help, right?)

Barret: Uh..... ugh..... 

Tifa: (Come on! I mean, look how easy that mission was with him there with you!)

Barret: (But that money's for Marlene's schoolin'!)

Tifa: (But but)

Barret: (Forget it!)

(Tifa stomps.)

Tifa: (YOU MAKE HIM FUCKING STAY OR I'LL FREAKING KICK YOUR ASS!!!)

(Barret screams like a little girl.)

Barret: 2000! 2000!

Cloud: Oh, fine. Cheap bastard.

Tifa: Hee hee um, I mean, thanks, Cloud.

-end Scene 6-

A/N #2: That scene was way too long 


	5. 4th Wall Breaking! Wheeeeeee

A/N: Thanks to all of you who are reading this, I'm glad that someone's enjoying it! Please keep R&Ring! More reviews mean a happier Vampy, and a happier Vampy means faster updates! : )

Scene 7

-The Morning After - Sector 7 -

Seventh Heaven

(The scene changes to Tifa's bar, the next morning. Cloud goes up the elevator. Tifa and Barret are standing, Marlene is mixing drinks.) 

Tifa: Now you try it.

Marlene: Okay! You take a little of this stuff with a cup of that

(Marlene pours a bunch of different drinks together.)

Marlene: Like this! Sex on the beach!

Tifa: Hmm that should be right.

(Marlene pours the drink down her throat.)

Marlene: Hehe! *Hic!*

Tifa: Now remember, if any pedophiles-

Marlene: Kick 'em in the balls!

Tifa: Right!

(Tifa pats Marlene on the head.)

Barret (with tears in his eyes): My little girl is so smart

(Cloud enters from below.)

Cloud: I need coffee

Tifa: Cloud! Good morning, Cloud! Did you sleep well?

Cloud: Next to you, who wouldn't?

Tifa: I I don't know what you mean!

(Tifa turns around, pulls a small notepad out of her shirt and scribbles on it.)

Marlene: What's that?

Tifa: Hee hee Um nothing! It's nothing!

(Tifa hides the notepad.)

Marlene: LEMME SEE!!

(Marlene grabs the notepad.)

(Marlene stares.)

Marlene: Ewwwww, "things that Cloud says that suggest that he wants to have sex with me"??? What is this?!

Tifa: SHUT UP!

(Tifa grabs the notepad and stuffs it down her shirt.)

Barret: So THAT's wut she keeps in there

(Tifa turns around.)

Tifa: Um, um, so you _did_ sleep well, Cloud?

Cloud: Actually, no, that fat pig that's in dire need of Slim Fast's insanely loud snoring kept me up all night

Barret: WUT?! I don't snore!!!

Cloud: Of course you do! I heard it!

Marlene: But daddy never snores!

Cloud: Huh? Then who-

Tifa: Um ANYWAY!

Tifa: I'm going this time

Cloud: To what?

Tifa: With you!

(Cloud stares at Tifa in shock.)

Cloud: W-w-w-WHAT?!

Tifa: What do you mean, what??

Cloud: But like what are you going to do, hit monsters with a frying pan?

(Everyone glances at Cloud.)  
Barret: 

Tifa: 

Barret: Uhhhhh Let's just ignore that remark for now.

Tifa: Okay.

Marlene: You evil WHITE SEXIST PIG!

Barret: 

Tifa: 

Barret: Let's ignore that too.

Tifa: Okay.

Barret: Our target's the Sector 5 Reactor. Head for the station first. I'll fill you in on the train.

(Cloud starts to head out. Barret stands in the doorway.)

Cloud: 

Barret: 

Cloud: .MOVE!

Barret: Yo! Cloud! Before the next mission, I got somethin' I wanna ask you! I, uh,..... I don't really know how to use Materia! 

Cloud: And you call yourself a terrorist leader?!

Barret: Whatever! I'll give you that Materia you found. Just teach me how to use it!

(Cloud sighs.)

(Cloud inhales deeply.)

Cloud: SureI'llexplainhowMateriaworksfirstaccessthemenuyouknowthebasicfunctionsthetrianglebuttonbringsup tHemenudirectionalbuttonsmovethecursorlikethisselecteachmenubyusingtheOKbuttonifyouwanttoleavethe menujustpushtheCANCELbuttonseelet'sgoaheadnowyou'reinthismenuselect[Materia]submenuselectwho youwanttouseitnowlookatmyweaponhereeachweaponandarmorhasslotsinitchoosewhichslotyouwanttoput MateriainnowselecttheMateriayouwanttousethisiscurativeMateriaifyouwanttoknowwhatitseffectislinethe cursorupwith[Check]andpushtheOKbuttonit'sjustlikeselectingbattlecommandsjustlinethecursorupto[Magic] youcanseethattheavailablemagichasincreasednowyoucanusenewmagic[Cure]andthat'sallthereistoequipping Materiaseeitwasn'tthattoughwhenyouwanttoremoveanyMateriait'saseasyaspointingtothemateriaslotand pushingthetrianglebuttonthere'sjustonethingyouhavetobecarefulofwheneveryouequipMateriayoursituation changespartsofyoumaybecomestrongerwhileothersgetweakernormally,whenyouequip[Magic]yourmagic powerwillgetstrongerbutyourphysicalstrengthweakenssoMateria'skindofadoubleedgedswordontheleftside ofthescreenyoucanseetheMateria'seffectonyouit'swisenottooveruseMagicMateriabuttryoutvariousthings pushtheCANCELbuttontoexitthesubmenuokthat'saboutiti'llgiveyousomeadvancedtipslater-

(Cloud falls panting and gasping to the floor.)

(Everyone stares at Cloud.)

(Cloud twitches.)

Barret: O.o

Tifa: What the hell?

Cloud: Gack! No more! No more!

(Cloud spasms.)

Barret: Hee hee hee Should we ask him to explain it again?

Tifa: NO! 

Barret: Damn! 

Tifa: Uh, Cloud, you just take care of the materia.

****

[Materia System] Access the menu and select [Materia] to equip Materia. If you haven't figured out what Materia are by now, they're the little pretty marbles that you stick in weapons and armor to use magic. This is kind of pointless because the only real materia that you'll ever use is Restore, Revive, Heal, and All, and can beat the game without using these or any other spells, but hey, who cares? Now EVERYONE POINT AND LAUGH AT FF8 FOR HAVING IT'S STUPID MAGIC SYSTEM!!! (among other stupid things, like Rinoa Heartilly)

(Everyone points and laughs.)

Tifa: Okay. Marlene, you watch the store while we're gone!

Marlene: 'Kay! Good Luck, daddy! Bye Auntie Tifa! I hope you fall off a fucking cliff, white boy!

(Marlene waves cheerfully.)

Insert random pointless NPC chatter here

Scene 8

- The Train - A Narrow Escape -

(Cloud arrives at the train station. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are waiting there.)

(Cloud approaches the train and everyone gets on.) 

Barret: YO! Looks like this ain't no private car! So split up!

(Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge run out of the car.)

(They meet the well-dressed Shinra manager again.)

Shinra Guy: ....hoodlums again. God, don't I just have all the luck...

Cloud: Hey, at least you're not some overgrown snoring pig with weight problems.

(Player snickers.)

(Barret marches up to the screen.)

Barret: You say sumthin'? I said, 'you say sumthin'?!

(Barret glares.)

(Player shrieks and presses X button 5 million times.)

(Barret walks over to the Shinra Guy.)

Barret: Yo, look at that! It got empty alluva sudden. What's goin' on?

Shinra Guy: DAMN! I... it's empty because of... g, guys like you... and your big sexy arms I mean-

Barret: WUT?!

(Barret smacks him.)

Tifa: Oh god

Shinra Guy: Y, Y, YIPES!!

(Shinra Guy quivers.)

Shinra Guy: You... you've seen the news, right? AVALANCHE says there'll be more bombings

Barret: THE HELL?! WHO THE HELL TOLD THE PRESS THAT WE WERE GONNA-

Barret: Um, I mean, yeah, I heard.

Shinra Guy: Only devoted employees like me would go to Midgar on a day like today.

Barret: You workin' for Shinra?

(Barret pounds his gun-arm on the seat.)

Shinra Guy: Ooo Violent! I like that in a guy!

Barret: You little Shinra piece of shit-

Shinra Guy: Yes! Hurt me! Ravish me!  
(Shinra Guy wraps his arms around Barret.)

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Barret aims his gunarm at the Shinra Guy's face.)

Tifa: Barret!!!

Barret: WUT?!

Tifa: You can't kill him!

Barret: WHY NOT?!

Tifa: If you do, then everyone will think that Vampiric hates homosexuals (which is not true), and that would be bad!!!

Barret: WHY?

Tifa: 'Cause then you'll be randomly skinned alive and dropped into a vat of acid?

Barret: 

(Barret glances at the Shinra Guy.)

Shinra Guy: Tee hee!

Barret: @#$%!! You lucky #$%&!

(Barret and Tifa run to the back of the car.)

Cloud: So, what are we going to do now?

Barret: Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin up my rhythm

Cloud: Well, considering I've just been standing here doing nothing for the past 15 minutes or so

(The train starts moving.)

Tifa: Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving.

Cloud: So what's our next target?

Barret: Hah! Listen to Mr. My-Hair-Weighs-More-Than-the-Rest-of-My-Body-Combined! 

Tifa: Barret

(Tifa holds up a warning fist.)

Barret: Eep! Awright.... I'll tell ya! Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security check point at the top plate. It's an ID scan system checkin' all the trains.

Tifa: Which Shinra is very proud of.

Barret: We can't use our fake ID's anymore to get drugs and stuff

Cloud: And that tells me WHAT about where we're going?

(The train intercom comes on.)

****

Good Morning, and welcome to Midgar Lines, the Fastest, Best, and Only train line that seems to run through the entire city of Midgar LOOK, JUST CAUSE I MOVED THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE MY CHAIR! NO! GET THAT _OUT_ OF YOUR- Arrival time at Sector 4 station will be 11:45.

Tifa: That means we've only got three more minutes to the ID Check point.

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret: Alright, in three minutes, we're jumpin' off this train. Got it?!

Cloud: But WHERE the HELL are we GOING?!

(Barret sits down next to the Shinra Guy.)

Shinra Guy: Waaaaah!! Don... don't worry about me. (oh man, oh man, oh man...!! I'm gonna brag to everyone at work about this!!!)

Tifa: Hey Cloud, come over here! Let's look at the Railway Map Monitor

(Cloud looks up at the map.)

Tifa: Hmm, it looks like you've seen this already It's all right. Come a little closer

Cloud: Er

(Tifa grabs Cloud.)

(A red light starts flashing.)

(Tifa shrieks.)

Tifa: It's an omen! A sign from the heavens! We're destined to be together!

(Tifa beams at Cloud.)

Barret: That's the ID checkpoint, foo'!!!

Tifa: Oh. That's odd. The ID Check Point was supposed to be further down.

****

Type A Security Alert!!!

Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be

conducted!

Repeat!! Type A Security Alert!!

Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be

conducted!

KILL THE COMMUNISTS!

Tifa: What's happening?  
Barret: What's goin' on!!

Cloud: Um uh oh?

(Jessie rushes in.)

Jessie: We're in trouble. I'll explain later! Hurry! Get to the next car!  
Barret: @#@%$! Someone blew it

****

Unidentified passengers located in Car #1

Preparing for Lock Down

Barret: Let's go! Keep it up! Rah rah rah!  
(They rush to the next car.) 

****

Car #1: Locked Down

Upgrading to Level 2 warning

Biggs: Hurry!

Wedge: They're gonna lock the door, sir!

Cloud: LIKE WE NEVER NOTICED!

****

Unidentified passengers located in Car #2

Preparing for Lock Down

Jessie: Just run! Changing to Plan 2!

Cloud: Plan 2?!

Tifa: "Run-Like-Fuck-And-Hope-They-Don't-Catch-Us!"

Cloud: What?!

Barret: Whatever, it works for Bin Laden!

(They rush to the next car.)

****

Car #2: Locked Down

Upgrading to Warning Level 3

(The lights stop flashing.)

Barret: Awright! We clear?!

Jessie: Not yet, They're starting another search. If we're caught, we're done for! But don't worry, if we move up the train, car by car, we should get past it!

(Jessie breaks her way out. Light starts flashing again.)

****

Unidentified Passengers:

Moving to front of Train

Currently tracking location

(They reach car #4.)

****

Car #4: Locked Down

Upgrading to maximum security alert!!

(Barret runs to the front of the car.)

Barret: All right! We made it! Yo! This way!!

(He opens the door of the train.)

Barret: Let's go!! We're gonna dive outta here!

Tifa: Scary huh.

Cloud: Too late to be saying that now. Why'd you come along anyway?

Tifa: Because

Cloud: Did they need a cook?

Tifa: WHAT?!

Barret: Hey you two! There ain't no time for that!!!

(They get ready to jump.)

Tifa: Yeah!! I've made up my mind. Watch closely. I'm gonna jump!  
(She does so.)

(Cloud talks to Barret.)

Cloud: You don't care if I go first?

Barret: A leader always stays till the end. (Besides the fact that it scares the shit out of me but that doesn't matter!) Don't worry 'bout me, just go! 

(Cloud moves to the door.)

Barret: Yo! Don't go getting' your spikey-ass hurt! Tifa's gonna kick my ass if you do! It's only the beginnin' of the mission! 

Cloud: Whatever.

(Cloud jumps.)

(Barret whines.)

Barret: I don't wanna jump

(Shinra Guy comes running in.)

Shinra Guy: WHERE'D HE GO?! FLUFFYWOOKUMS! COME BACK HERE!

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHH! 

Barret: Later! You take care of the rest!

(Jessie salutes.)

(Biggs salutes.)

(Wedge smacks himself in the forehead and falls unconscious.)

Biggs: 

Jessie: 

Biggs: Oh GREAT, now we have to DRAG him all the way

(Barret jumps.)

Shinra Guy: NOOOOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

(Shinra Guy jumps off the train after Barret.)

Shinra Guy: Aaaiiieeeeeeeee

-end scenes 7 and 8-

Insert shameless advertisement for Vampiric's "Blatant FF7 Self-Insertion Story" here. Actually, in my opinion, it's funnier than this go read it if you haven't. =) 


	6. Jessie Is Actually Becoming Pretty Cool

A/N: Sorry about the delay.

Scene 9

Reactor #5 . President Shinra

Random Underground Subway Place

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa collapse onto the floor.)

(Cloud pants.) 

Cloud: Fuck! I haven't run that much since...

(Cloud ponders for a moment.)

Tifa: Yesterday at the reactor?

Cloud: ...Oh yeah.

(Barret brushes himself off.)

Barret: Good, so far everything's going as planned.

Cloud: You mean running and jumping off that train shrieking like scared little Japanese schoolgirls was part of your PLAN?!

Barret: Well, no. But it sounded like a cool thing to say.

Cloud: What kind of terrorist leader ARE you?!

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Better not let your guard down till we get to the Sector 5 Reactor.

Cloud: You mean we can let it down when we get there?

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie got everything ready for us.

Cloud: How can you tell? They were still on the train! 

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Let's-

Cloud: And we don't even have like goddam cell phones even though Midgar is supposedly so high-tech! And why the fuck are we fighting soldiers with GUNS with swords and martial arts? And how are these stupid little bangle bracelet things protecting us when we get shot in the head?  And-

Barret: GOD DAMN, do you ever SHUT UP?!

(Barret shrieks at Cloud!)

Cloud: Meep.

Barret: Anyway. The reactor's right down this tunnel.

Tifa: Which way?

Barret: The hell should I know!

(Tifa and Cloud walk into Barret. Barret spins around. Suddenly, Barret turns into Cloud. Do not ask me why this happens, for I do not know.)

(Anyway, Cloud and Co. continue down the tunnel.)

(And continue some more.)

(And more)

(And more)

(And still more)

Cloud: When the hell does this end?!

(And still more)

(until they reach the end of the tunnel.)

(Five Shinra soldiers stand around in brightly colored spandex uniforms.)

Cloud: Look! Shinra soldiers!

Tifa: Let's get em!

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

Cloud: What the hell are these, laptops?

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

Tifa: Do you think, maybe, we went the wrong way?

Cloud: No way, there's got to be an end to them sometime.

Barret: They're like the goddam Russian army!

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in...)

**----------One Hour Later--------------**

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin'-

**Vampiric: ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!**

****Vampiric has reset the game****

Scene 9, take Two

Reactor #5 . President Shinra

Random Underground Subway Place

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa collapse onto the floor.)

(Cloud pants.) 

Cloud: Fuck! I haven't run that much since...

(Cloud ponders for a moment.)

Tifa: A few seconds ago?

Cloud: ...Oh yeah.

Barret: Good, so far everything's going as planned.

(Cloud opens his mouth.)

Barret: NO! NEVERMIND! THAT WAS HORRIBLY OFF THE PLAN! DON'T TALK! LET'S JUST GODDAM GO!

Cloud: Fine. ...Ass.

(They walk down the tunnel, in the RIGHT direction this time, until they reach a grid of laser beams crossing the tunnel.)

Cloud: Those light beams are the Shinra's security sensors. We can't go any further. They also-

Barret: Who the fuck cares if they know we're coming, stop whining and let's just GO!

Cloud: disintegrate anything that passes through them-

(Barret shoves Cloud into the sensors.)

Cloud: NO-

(Half of Cloud's body instantly disintegrates!)

Cloud: The _PAIN..._

Tifa: You bastard!!

(Tifa shoves Barret into the sensors.)

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHH!

(Half of Barret's body instantly disintegrates!)

(Barret blinks.)

Barret: Well fuck.

Cloud: See?! SOMETIMES I have useful stuff to say!!

Barret: My ass.

Cloud: HALF your ass!

(Tifa rolls her eyes.)

(Tifa twirls around stupidly and waves her arms around!)

Tifa: Cure!

(The missing half of Cloud's body magically reappears!)

(Barret drinks a potion. The missing half of Barret's body rapidly regenerates!)

Barret: It tickles! It tickles!!

Cloud: Well shit, no wonder we never die.

Tifa: Anyway, we've got to find some other way in.

(They see a ventilation duct in the wall.) 

Barret: That's one damn tiny hole. You tellin' me to squeeze into that to get under the Plate? No way!

Cloud: Wait, aren't we already under the plate?

Barret: Whatever! 

CHOICE

1. Look inside closely

2. Go down

3. Don't go down

(Cloud looks inside the vent closely.)

Tifa: There seems to be nothing that'll get us stuck in this duct.

Cloud: Yeah, if we go down the duct, we won't be able to come back up here.

Tifa: You think maybe Shinra made it that way as a death trap?

Barret: ...

Cloud: ...

Tifa: ...

Cloud: ...Nah.

Tifa: Okay. I trust your instincts. Rather suicidally, I might add.

Barret: Don't be wastin' time. Never know when the Shinra'll find us.

Cloud: Other than the fact that two people just got disintegrated in their security sensors.

Barret: Shut up.

CHOICE

2. Go down

3. Don't go down

Cloud: I guess we gotta go.

Barret: But damn, man, I'm never gonna fit in there.

(All three ponder for a moment.)

Tifa: Wait, I have an idea.

Barret: Uh-

(Tifa shoves Barret into the security sensors!)

Barret: AHHHHH!

(Half of Barret's body instantly disintegrates!)

Barret: #$%&!!!

Tifa: Now he'll fit.

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa enter the ventilation ducts, cast a Cure on Barret, and work their way into the Reactor. Along the way, they meet Jessie.)

(Jessie sobs.)

Jessie: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Cloud: ...Huh?

Jessie: The ID scan problem on the train was all my fault! I made Cloud's ID card special... so that's why it happened...

Barret: Awwww.

(Everyone looks at Barret weird.)

Barret: What!

Jessie: Uh, anyway, I put my heart into making it... but I failed!

(Jessie sobs some more.)

Jessie: I should have known they'd never believe "Hi my name is Nardo Fuckhead, I work as a male stripper in Wall Market and I also like to model women's undergarments on weekends"...

(Cloud sputters.)

Cloud: What?!

Jessie: I just hate you!! I didn't think it'd turn out THIS bad, though.

(Jessie shakes her head.)

Jessie: Next time, I'll give you something more decent. 

Cloud: Wait what-

Jessie: I'll be back at the hideout in the research room workin' on it.

Cloud: Wait-

(Jessie walks off the screen and disappears.)

Cloud: Nardo Fuckhead?!

Tifa: Well, er, that was interesting.

Barret: How come you didn't kick HER ass?

Tifa: Well, she's not competition.

Cloud: Male stripper?!

Barret: And I am?!

(Everyone glances at Cloud, who is still in shock.)

Cloud: Women's _undergarments?!_

Barret: ...Aw, nuts.

Tifa: Anyway! Let's keep going.

(The three work their way deeper into the reactor... and come to the big slide.)

Barret: Now we have to be extremely quiet, there are soldiers around-

(They slide down.)

Cloud: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Cloud squeals!)

Barret: ...Or not.

(They pass through a couple doors...)

Cloud: Isn't it so nice of them to build all their reactors exactly the same so we can bomb them easier?

(...until they reach the core of the reactor.)

(Cloud moves to set the bomb.)

(The screen suddenly turns red and that annoying noise that hurts your ears suddenly starts playing!)

Cloud: AAAAGH!!

(Cloud clutches his head and falls to his knees.)

Weird Memory Scene

We are now inside a different mako reactor. With gears. That spin. Like a clock. Yeah. On the floor lies a long, thin sword. Tifa, as a younger girl, sometime between the well flashback and the present, kneels on the floor. A man lies before her, dead.

Cloud: Oh my god! You killed him!

(Cloud gasps!)

(Tifa apparently cannot see or hear Cloud.)

Tifa: Papa...

(Tifa sniffles.)

Tifa: Sephiroth?!

(Tifa sits up.)

Tifa: Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he?!

(Tifa shakes her fists and looks skyward, even though she really can't even see the sky cause she's inside a mako reactor.)

Tifa: Sephiroth... SOLDIER... Mako Reactors... Shinra... Everything!

(Tifa rises.)

Tifa: I HATE THEM ALL!!!

Cloud: What!! What did the poor little mako reactor ever do to you?!

(Tifa picks up the sword on the floor and runs into the reactor core.)

Now, Back to the Present

(Cloud comes out of his hallucination.)

RedXIII: And THIS, kids, is why you should stay off drugs!

Cloud: What the hell?! Ooo! Fuzzy kitty!

RedXIII: Fuck. He saw me.

(RedXIII runs off screen.)

Cloud: Wait! Kitty! Come back!

(Cloud grasps at the air blindly.)

(Barret kicks Cloud.)

Barret: Damn, man, get a hold of yourself!

(Tifa kneels by Cloud.)

Tifa: You all right?

Cloud: It's you!

(Cloud stands up and glares at Tifa.)

Tifa: Huh?

Cloud: Hater!

Tifa: What??

(Cloud shakes his head.)

Cloud: No... forget... Come on, let's hurry.

(Cloud plants the bomb in the reactor. They wait around for a couple of seconds for the screen to start flashing red and the words "RUN, YOU IDIOT!" to appear on the screen. Which does not happen.)

Cloud: Hey. What the hell.

Tifa: Is it malfunctioning?

Barret: Nah, we decided to use the automatic bomb that doesn't have a timer but blows up as soon as we get out of the area thing this time.

Cloud: Why didn't you use those last time?!

Barret: Uh...

Cloud: We nearly died!!

Barret: Shut up.

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret hurry out of the reactor. They reach a mechanism with three buttons.)

Cloud: Ooo! It's DDR! ...with uh, three buttons ...on a table. Yeah.

Barret: It's the security system for the doors, you idiot.

Tifa: Jessie said we have to push all the buttons at once.

Cloud: But... why would you ever place all the security of a multi-million dollar reactor on three buttons that anyone could press at the same time and which have no security alert reaction or anything if you press them wrong?

Barret: Cause President Shinra probably has an IQ of about your level.

Cloud: Oh. That would explain it.

(They push the buttons at the same time. A door opens in the hallway, and they hurry through onto a walkway that looks exactly like the other walkway in the other reactor looked, except at the different angle.)

Barret: This way!

(Barret runs off to one side, only to run into some soldiers in red uniforms holding sticks blocking his way.)

Barret: Shinra soldiers?!

Tifa: Nope, that's just the marching band's color guard.

Barret: SHIT!! They even have the marching band here?! What the hell's goin' on?!

Cloud: ...a trap...

(We hear weird footsteps echoing down the walkway, then, Darth Vader theme music.)

Voice: YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!!

Shinra Marching Band: Meep.

(Um, that is, Shinra theme music.)

Cloud: What's with the wooden clogs?

(Barret and Tifa glance at Cloud.)

Cloud: What! It sounds like it!

(The Shinra President walks onto the walkway, his expensive shoes echoing.)

Cloud: It's the Monopoly guy!!

President Shinra: Hmm... So you all must be that... what was it?

Barret: AVALANCHE! How the hell do you forget the name of a terrorist group that's been blowing up one reactor a day for the past friggin' year?!

President Shinra: Oh. 

(President Shinra thinks for a moment.)

President Shinra: ...That was you?!

Barret: Um... no?

President Shinra: Oh, okay then.

(Cloud steps forward.)

Cloud: Long time no see, Mr. Monopoly.

President Shinra: What?

(Cloud glares and points at President Shinra accusingly.)

Cloud: How have your years been, luring innocent children into cheating and stealing and maiming for wads of paper money in fits of insane greed?! 

President Shinra: Oh... you.

President Shinra: You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes. The crazy one.

Cloud: I... I... I'm not... crazy...

President Shinra: What?

(Cloud sniffles a bit, then breaks down and sobs.)

Cloud: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME SELL MARVIN GARDENS, YOU SPAWN OF EVIL! I WASN'T GOING TO DO IT! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! YOU **MADE ME DO IT!! BEAUTIFUL COLORED FAKE MONEY-**

President Shinra: Um... right.

Tifa: Don't worry about him, he'll be fine. Actually, he is fine right now, isn't he.

 (Cloud has spasms on the floor, weeping about his lost Marvin Gardens.)

(Tifa beams and gazes at Cloud adoringly.)

President Shinra: Um... right. So tell me, traitor... what was your name? Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name. Unless you become another Sephiroth. And then I'll probably have to kill you.

(President Shinra ponders for a moment.)

President Shinra: Oh wait, I already am.

(President Shinra giggles gleefully.)

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret: I don't give a damn 'bout none of that! This place's goin' up with a big BANG soon! Serves y'all right!

President Shinra: And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you...

Barret: VERMIN? That's all you can say... VERMIN?! Y'all Shinra are the VERMIN, killing the planet! And that makes you... uh... President... no... uh... Leader! No... King... yeah! KING VERMIN!

(Cloud stands up.)

Cloud: Dude... that was SO lame.

Barret: SHUT UP!!

Tifa: Psst... Barret, the guy's just standing still right there.

Barret: Huh?

Tifa: Psst... Don't you think he'd make a really easy target?

Barret: What are you talking about?

President Shinra: You are beginning to bore me... I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me... I have a dinner I must attend.

Barret: Dinner?! Don't gimme that! I ain't even started with you yet!

Tifa: BARRET, JUST SHOOT HIM!! HE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!

Barret: Ohhhhhhhhhh.

(Barret runs up to President Shinra.)

President Shinra: Wait! I've made arrangements for a playmate for you all.

(President Shinra snaps his fingers.)

(You hear a distant rumbling noise.)

Everyone: ?!

Tifa: What's that noise?

(Barret runs back.)

Barret: The hell is this!

(A huge robot buzzes in and jerks threateningly at Barret and Tifa.)

President Shinra: Meet "Airbuster", the newest Gundam. Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments.

Cloud: ...Gundam?

(A helicopter hovers up to the walkway.)

President Shinra: Now then, if you'll excuse me.

(Cloud runs forward, too late to intercept him. President Shinra flies away in the helicopter.)

Cloud: Wait, Mr. Monopoly! Waaaaaiiiiiit!!

(Cloud begins to sob on the floor again.)

(Barret and Tifa glance at Airbuster.)

Barret: That is one crappy Gundam.

Tifa: Yeah, I know.

(Airbuster buzzes at Barret angrily!)

(Barret shrieks!)

Barret: Yo, Cloud! We've gotta do somethin' about him!

(Airbuster buzzes towards Barret and Tifa.)

Tifa: Help, Cloud!

(Cloud runs in behind it.)

Tifa: THIS is from SOLDIER?!

Cloud: No way! It's just a machine!

(Airbuster executes a perfect ballet twirl!)

Barret: Shit, okay, now it scares me.

Cloud: Wait! Jessie showed me a model of something like this, yesterday! There should be a button in the back that turns it off. Quick! Distract it!

(Airbuster shoots Barret multiple times in the head!)

Barret: AAAAAAGH!!

Cloud: Good work!

(Cloud runs to Airbuster's back and reaches into the mass of cables.)

(Airbuster explodes a bomb in Barret's face!)

Barret: AAAAGH!!

(Cloud continues to search through the cables.)

Barret: Hurry up!!

(Airbuster slowly turns towards Tifa.)

Tifa: Ahh!

Cloud: Fuck this.

(Cloud pulls out random cables!)

Airbuster: WARNING! WARNING! AUTO TARGET SYSTEMS FAILING!

Airbuster: RETURNING TO TARGET #1!

(Airbuster slowly turns back towards Barret.)

Tifa: My hero!

Barret: DAMN YOU!

(Airbuster shoots a laser beam right between Barret's eyes!)

Barret: AUGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Cloud: I found it!

Cloud: Hah! Damn you back to your overly-popular TV series!!

(Cloud pushes the button and jumps off Airbuster's back!)

Back at the AVALANCHE Hideout

Biggs: Oh, hey Jessie, you know, yesterday-

Jessie: Yeah?

Biggs: Well Wedge was playing with his "Mailman Barbie" doll and kinda messed up your papers..

Jessie: What?!

Biggs: Well.. you know, that Gundam thing you showed Cloud...?

Jessie: Yes...?

Biggs: Uh, you showed him V1.02 instead of V1.03.

(Jessie furrows her brow.)

Jessie: V1.02 and V1.03... they changed the-

(Jessie blinks.)

Jessie: ...

Biggs: What?

Jessie: HELL YES!!!!!

Back at the Reactor

Cloud: Hah! Off!

(Cloud points!)

(Airbuster buzzes towards Cloud.)

Cloud: Um... off?

(Cloud points!)

(Airbuster quivers.)

Cloud: Uh...

Tifa: Er...

Airbuster: WARNING! WARNING! SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEMS ACTIVATED! SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEMS ACTIVATED!

Barret: What!

Tifa: Self-destruct?!

(Airbuster quivers.)

Cloud: ...

Tifa: ...

Barret: Fuck.

****BOOM!!****

(Airbuster explodes, taking half the walkway with it. Cloud is left hanging from a piece of broken metal.)

(Cloud looks up into the sky and shakes his free fist.)

Cloud: Damn you, Jessie!! Damn you!!

(Barret glances at his watch.)

Barret: Shit! The reactor's gonna blow any second!

(Barret grabs Tifa.)

Barret: Let's go!

Tifa: But Cloud!

(Tifa weeps all over Barret's feet.)

Tifa: Barret! Can't you do something?!

Barret: Not a damn thing.

(Barret beams and claps happily.)

(Tifa leans over the edge of the broken walkway.)

Tifa: Cloud! Please don't die!

(Cloud looks down and shrieks.)

Cloud: Does it look like I have a friggin' choice here?

Tifa: You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!

Cloud: I know, Tifa...

Tifa: You do?!

Cloud: Uh... actually no, not really.

Barret: Hey, you gonna be awright?

(The walkway begins to rumble.)

CHOICE

(Be strong)

(I don't know if I can hold on)

(Cry like a little girl)

Cloud: I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

(Cloud shrieks!)

Barret: Pansy.

 (FMV sequence: the bomb explodes, knocking Cloud from the walkway. Tifa tries to grab him, but he is too far away. Cloud plummets from the upper plate down to the slums below.)

Tifa: Noooooo!

Cloud(faintly): Damn you, Jessie!!! Damn youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

***BAM!*******

Cloud: **OWWW!******

(Cloud sniffles.)

Cloud(faintly): Why can't I ever just _die......_

-End Scene 9-


	7. Why Didn't They Just Name Her Terra?

Scene 10

. Flowers Blooming in the Church .

(The screen is black. Cloud, obviously, has fallen unconscious. Yet, somehow, he is still able to talk to himself in his head. Don't ask me, for again, I do not know.)

Voice: You all right? 

Cloud: Sure, I only friggin' fell like 500 thousand feet and broke every single bone in my body-

Voice: Well whatever, your HP is maxed out anyway. And you're also somehow talking.

Cloud: I swear the laws of physics in this world are just fucked up-

Voice: Cloud... Cloud... can you hear me...?

Cloud: I just answered your friggin' question!

Voice: Shut up, it's part of the script. So can you hear me or not?

Cloud: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Voice: Remember... back then? You could get by with just skinned knees...

Cloud: What the hell do you mean by 'back then'? 

Voice: You know.

Cloud: Hmm... skinned knees... The only time my knees ever got skinned was when I went sledding with Billy in the Nibelheim mountains and there was this huge avalanche and we both fell 500 thousand feet down the mountain and smashed into some pretty huge rocks on the way down and he died a violent, bloody, needless death and I only had skinned-

Cloud: Oooh. 

Voice: Yeah.

Cloud: Now I get it.

Voice: Good work, Einstein.

Cloud: So does this mean I'm some kind of superhero or something?

Voice: Well you ARE the main character.

Cloud: So I'm like immortal and stuff?

Voice: We're getting way off topic here-

Cloud: Come on!! I just wanna know if I'm immortal or not so I can just go skipping off somewhere to have fun for the rest of eternity instead of finishing this game in fear of my life...

Voice: Shit.

Cloud: I am, aren't I?

Voice: Uh... no...?

Cloud: Well damn. There go all my plans.

Voice: Anyway, what about now? Can you get up?

Cloud: You just TOLD me that my HP's are maxed out!

Voice: Don't worry about me. Just worry about yourself now.

Cloud: But I'm fine! You just SAID so-

Voice: Trust me, there's reason to worry.

(Cloud fidgets.)

Female Voice: Oh! It moved!

Voice: See?

Cloud: Sounds familiar...

Female Voice: Hello? Hello?

Cloud: What the-

(Cloud opens his eyes.)

(The scene fades in to show Cloud lying in the middle of a flower patch in the floor of an old church. The Flower Girl from Midgar kneels next to him. She stands. Cloud manages to sit up.) 

Church in the Sector 5 Slums

Aeris: Hello, hello!

(Cloud shrieks!)

Cloud: NO! IT'S YOU! NO! LET ME BACK INTO THAT DARK UNCONSCIOUS THINGY!!

(Cloud scrabbles at the floor, tearing up some flowers.)

Cloud: TAKE ME BACK!!! TAKE ME BACK!!! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE-

Aeris: Uh... you okay?

(Cloud sits up and grumbles.)

Cloud: Damn you, bastard Voice, damn you!

(Cloud smashes a few more flowers into the ground.)

Aeris: This is a church in the Sector 5 Slums.

(Cloud looks up nervously.)

Cloud: That's... uh... great.

Aeris: You suddenly fell on top of me. You really gave me quite a scare.

Cloud: How come you're not dead if I landed on you?

(Aeris ignores Cloud.)

Aeris: The roof and flower bed must have broken your fall. 

Cloud: Roofs by definition don't break falls, they're the things you fall THROUGH and then your back BREAKS and then you DIE-

Aeris: You're lucky.

Cloud: I am?!

(Cloud beams.)

Cloud: What do I win?

Aeris: You're rather strange, aren't you?

(Cloud stands up and brushes himself off.)

Cloud: Flower bed... is this yours?

(Cloud glances down at the torn, smashed, and generally destroyed flower bed.)

Aeris: That's all right. The flowers here are quite resilient because this is a sacred place. 'Course... it also be because all the neighborhood dogs like to take shits here and it fertilizes them, but I choose to believe in the nicer theory, because I'm sure someday I'll run into some huge life threatening problem and all the practice of looking on the bright side will do me good. What about you?

(Cloud shrieks and frantically runs his hands through his hair.)

Cloud: Dog shit! Dog shit!

Aeris: Anyway, I love this place. It helps me to keep my spirits up about my mother's terminal cancer. And my dad's drug addiction. And my cousin's gambling problem. And the weird dead people I keep seeing everywhere. And-

(Aeris randomly wanders off and begins to tend her flowers.)

(Cloud stands around for a while, until he realizes he's supposed to go talk to her again.)

Cloud: Uh... So... We meet again...

Aeris: Again?

Cloud: Yeah, you were that weird freaky girl in front of the station selling flowers.

Aeris: Station... oh! That was my twin sister. You must excuse her, she's rather strange in the head...

(Aeris smiles happily at Cloud.)

Aeris: But that's okay, our family loves her anyway. It happened one day when there was a thunderstorm outside, and I went wandering into it for some random reason and lightning was hitting all around, and I slipped and fell into the river which happened to run next to my house and she happened to be there and she dove in to save me and as soon as she got me out lightning hit the water and fried her brain.

(Aeris smiles happily again.)

Aeris: After that we found out she's my long lost twin sister! And we both wear the exact same clothes, and we have the same voice and same love for flowers and are both members of the Not-So-Secret Society of Helpless Women That Need Rescuing From A Strong, Stoic Male! Isn't it amazing and yet somehow totally DONE before? And we've lived happily together ever since.

Cloud: Uh... okay.

(Aeris goes back to tending her flowers.)

(Cloud stands watching her for a while, until he realizes he's supposed to go talk to her AGAIN.)

Cloud: Hey-

(Aeris's head snaps up.)

Aeris: Say, do you have any materia?!

Cloud: AHHHH- Um. Yeah, some. You can, um, find materia anywhere these days. Yeah.

Aeris: But mine's special. It's good for absolutely nothing. Except you know, there's that really slight off-chance that it might be the thing that saves the world. You know. Maybe. Hint. Hint.

Cloud: You probably just too dumb to figure out to use it.

Aeris: No, I know how, it just doesn't do anything. I feel safe just having it, it was my great-grandmother's who took care of me when my parents lost me in the airport while they went on their summer vacation for three months, and I had to live for a week on breadcrumbs and weird paths in the forest and I fell into this random vat of hair bleach that made me totally blonde, so I covered it up with a red riding hood and then this wolf chased after me so I ran away into the forest and then found a cottage with porridge and three bears and-

Aeris: What was I talking about again?

Cloud: I have no idea.

(Aeris looks skyward.)

Aeris: Say, I feel like talking! Do you feel up to it?

Cloud: Can I leave now?

Aeris: ...oh, I see.

Aeris: Ahh, I wonder whose fault that is. It takes a lot to grow them, you know. Poor flowers.

Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?!

(Aeris wanders off to her flowers again.)

Cloud: ARGH!

Aeris: Just a little longer.

(Aeris babbles to the flowers.)

Aeris: Oh! Now that you mention it... we don't know each other's names, do we?

Cloud: When did I mention anything?!

Aeris: My name is Aeris! But my friends call me Klishay. You can too!

Cloud: Uh... yeah. Okay.

Aeris: It's very nice to meet you! I'm very glad you're here! Even though you had to fall 500 thousand feet and through a wooden roof to get here... uh, well, one must make sacrifices to enjoy my goddess-like presence, you know.

Cloud: Goddess-like presence?

Aeris: So you haven't told me your name yet! Or is this supposed to be one of those romances where you're all dark and mysterious and stoic and evil people are supposed to kidnap me and you have a change of heart and come rescue me and we dance off happily into the sunset?

(Aeris gazes at Cloud intently.)

Cloud: Uh... uh... Cloud.

Aeris: Cloud?

Cloud: ...What?

Aeris: Cloud.

Cloud: What?

Aeris: Cloud! Cloud what?

Cloud: What???

Aeris: ...Ohhhhh. Okay. So, um, Cloud. What is it you do for a living?

Cloud: Well first I was a bum for a while... and then I killed some people and took their stuff... and then I met one of my old friends and now I'm part of this ghetto and underpaid terrorist group that's been responsible for millions of deaths daily... but I think I might quit soon and go to this cabbage farm that my uncle has, you see-

(Aeris snickers.)

Cloud: What's so funny?!

Aeris: No, it's just your ID card says--

Cloud: I HATE YOU, JESSIE!!

(A mysterious figure appears in the church doorway.)

Aeris: Sorry, I just...

Cloud: I don't get it! Do I friggin' LOOK like a male stripper from Wall Market with crossdressing problems?!

Aeris: Er...

Reno: Uhh...

Cloud: SHUT UP! And I DO NOT MODEL WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS!

Aeris: ...

Reno: ...

Cloud: ...

Reno: Man... I hate my job.

. End Scene 10 .


End file.
